Sometimes I feel the need to justify a personal preference with science or faith or altruism or whatever. That’s probably because I think it’s not enough to say: “I just feel more comfortable with that choice.” So I give it more weight by claiming that it is “supported by evidence,” or “God’s plan,” or “a burden on the healthcare system,” and so forth.
What I didn’t realize until now is that by giving my words and opinions more weight, I can – figuratively speaking – drown in quicksand.
If someone disagrees with me, my first impulse is to convince them otherwise. But arguing can be quite arduous and it usually achieves the opposite of what is intended: instead of reaching an agreement, it emphasizes our disparities and sets us apart even more. Then it’s almost like being in quicksand: the more effort I put into persuading someone or making myself “more right,” the more I sink in.
To my surprise, the flip side of the coin is that being in agreement with a like-minded person doesn’t feel as good as I would expect. Compared to how deep disagreement can cut and how long any kind of dissent can linger, one would think that seeing eye to eye would be proportionately satisfying. But for me that has not been the case. Instead, the good feeling that agreeing evokes is superficial and fleeting.
Interestingly, when I experience a profound connection and understanding with someone, it is not a matter of matching life choices, backgrounds or beliefs. In those instances I neither celebrate mutual viewpoints nor do I try to get the other person to see the world through my eyes. Instead, I bypass all the mental acrobatics required to reach agreement or disagreement. In other words, I’m not drowning in quicksand, I am floating on it.
I’m not sure how to exactly describe that experience. It’s as if I go beyond (or through?) both our differences and conformities in order to interact. It doesn’t matter if we agree or disagree. In fact, without words coming between us, I find a much more enjoyable and substantial way to connect. And whenever I have that kind of connection, I don’t even feel the need to justify my personal preferences. Then it’s enough for me to say (and hear!) “I just feel more comfortable with that choice” – and I can spare myself the whole quicksand-thingy. 😅
Brigitte K. Schneider
aka Ms. Sandy
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