I have my moments. Like good moments. Moments I can look back on feeling neither embarrassed nor proud. Moments I’d like to replicate. Like, for example, my encounter with the “nurse on perfume.”
It was my mum’s final days on this earth. Suffering from multiple brain hemorrhages on top of stage 4 cancer, she was on hospice care at home. A nurse from a private service we had hired came for the night shift. I could smell her before she even walked into the house. To my allergic nose it was as if she had bathed in perfume.
My mind instantly went into panic mode: “Oh no! She cannot be in the house all night with that perfume on her body! I will have to say something!”
Interestingly, unlike other times, those thoughts were not tormenting me. Instead of being in the grip of what my mind had to say, I was more of an observer, “looking” at my thoughts. I could also “see” my emotions. They were gearing up right alongside my cantankerous mind, which was appalled that the nurse had the AUDACITY to come into a sick person’s home with perfume. Yes, I know, it sounds weird, but that’s the best way I can describe it: My mind was annoyed, not me.
While my very annoyed mind waged war over whether or not something should be said, and if so, what should be said, my emotions bobbed and weaved like a perfect reflection of my thoughts – from angry, to afraid, to ashamed, and back.
If I hadn’t had my “moment” I probably wouldn’t have said anything, only to be miserable all night. And then, in the morning, when the nurse was about to leave and nothing could be done anymore to change the situation, I would have spouted: “I didn’t want to say anything because I did not want to make you uncomfortable but …” And then I would have listed all kinds of “buts,” obviously and definitely intended to make her uncomfortable. To top it off, I would have culminated the bitchy harangue with: “At least I wanted to let you know what wearing perfume can do to people.”
But lucky for all of us, I was having a “moment.” Instead of ripping her head off, I said with an apologetic smile:
“I am so sorry. My mother and I are very allergic to perfumes. They give us headaches and make it hard for us to breathe. Could I ask you to wash it off?”
The nurse straightened herself and I could see her jaw muscles tighten.
“Of course,” she replied.
I was just about to be impressed with her professional response, when she added grim-faced: “If you had told my supervisor that you cannot have anyone with perfume around, I never would have put any on.”
My mind paused. And then it exploded. Inwardly, but silently to the outer world. However, very audible to me.
“How dare she!” it went off. “She wants me to make a list of do’s and don’ts for her SUPERVISOR?!? Does she even REALIZE the situation I am in? A little over 24 hours ago I found my mother on the bathroom floor! Since then I had barely any sleep or food because of all the things I had to take care of! As if I would have had the time or state of mind to make a list! When did she think I should have done that?
– When I was in the Emergency Room, learning that my mum’s scans showed she had multiple brain bleeds?
– Or when the neurosurgeon told me that the only curative treatment was a very invasive surgery she might not survive, or if she did, she could be on a ventilator until she eventually succumbed to the cancer that was raging in her body?
– Or when I was informed they would send my mum home the day after she had been hospitalized because there was nothing else they could do for her?
– Or while I was filling out all kinds of paperwork? Would that have been a good time to make a LIST for her SUPERVISOR!?!?!
I didn’t even know I could ask for stuff like that! No, strike that! I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE BOTHERED with stuff like that! What nursing school says it is okay to walk into a sick person’s home awash in perfume? Sick people are known to be sensitive to smell! And my mum is on oxygen. She is having trouble breathing as it is for crying out loud! Unbelievable!!!”
Interestingly, while I was listening to my ranting and raving mind and observing my equally raving emotions, I was completely unfazed. It was as if I were immersed in an ocean of loving kindness, peacefulness, and compassion. My bickering mind and churning emotions had lost their power over me. Whatever the emotion, it did not sting. Whatever the thought, it was just a thought – a notion reduced to its essence, a pointer at best.
Like my own thoughts and emotions, the nurse’s response came through that “cleansing” ocean as well. Her words did not upset me. To the contrary. I found myself full of compassion. She seemed like a wounded animal, striking out to protect herself, unable to see that I was not a threat. My mum and I happened to be allergic to perfume – a minor matter that could be dealt with easily. No harm done.
Of course my mind saw it differently. It reasoned that the nurse was trying to justify, deflect, and defend herself by blaming me for this unfortunate situation, claiming it could have been prevented had I acted differently.
“I should have acted differently?!?” my offended mind scoffed. “Why me and not her!?!”
Since I was having a “moment” (😉) I did not follow this train of thought. Instead, I smiled an honest smile and said:
“What a wonderful idea! Thank you for letting me know. I was not aware I could ask your supervisor for things like that. I’m so sorry. I hope it’s okay that I put a towel and a washcloth in the bathroom for you. Thank you so much for your understanding.”
Before the nurse even reached the bathroom, the whole incident was out of my head. If I hadn’t had my “moment” I would have mulled over this encounter for hours and hours, if not months or years. But being in the moment, I just moved on. No hard feelings.
Yeah. (Sigh). Those were the days. I wish I could always be like that. But at least I have my moments …
Brigitte Schneider
aka Ms. Once-in-a-While
Copyright © 2021, Brigitte Schneider. If you wish to quote text from this article contact the author by leaving a comment.
