Ready for this?
My husband has a knack for tidying stuff away in the kitchen. In general, that’s a good thing even though at times he stores away meals I just prepared for immediate consumption. He whisks them away during that brief little moment when I turn my back to grab a paper towel or something. Now, this little habit of his might be inconvenient, but I can live with it. I simply retrieve the dish from the refrigerator, reheat the food, and ensure I don’t go anywhere without my plate in tow. No harm done. But when his tidiness affects my spoon, all bets are off!
I drink coffee all day long and I have this special spoon to stir it. When done, I usually wash that spoon and leave it on the counter because before long I will make myself another cup and use it again. Need I say more? Probably not because you are already guessing what will happen next: Enter Richard and my spoon either vanishes into the dishwasher or the drawer!
I can’t even begin to count the times and ways I’ve asked him to leave the spoon where it belongs (belongs!) – from kindly pleading with him to hysterically shouting: “DON’T TOUCH MY SPOON!!” And, of course, the whole time I’m thinking, he is the problem and I just have to find the right words to get him to do what I want him to do.
Then I recalled my friend. Well, former friend. (You will see in a bit why “former.”) This friend had quite a unique way of applying her psychological insights to her everyday life. For instance, one time she barked at me for standing behind her: “Get away from there! When I was a child, my mother used to stand behind me like that and slap me! I can’t stand that!” As asked – or rather ordered – I removed myself, but I found it quite inappropriate that she would expect others to do the job for her. At least to me it seemed that instead of her coming to terms with her past, I had to come to terms with her quirks. I was expected to accommodate her so that she could feel better, meanwhile my likes or dislikes weren’t even on the agenda.
Remembering my former friend, I realized: It is not a sign of my awesomeness if I excel in making others change their behavior. It is instead a sign that I am cultivating my own dysfunction if I expect people to conform to my personal understanding of acceptable conduct.
In this spirit: Please touch my spoon. (On second thought – let’s wait until this COVID-19 thing is over …)
Brigitte Schneider
aka Ms. Touchy
Copyright © 2020, Brigitte Schneider. If you wish to quote text from this article contact the author by leaving a comment.
I personally like “cultivating my own dysfunction” as you put it. My dysfunction was other people in my house using MY kitchen towel for purposes other than drying hands or dishes. My dysfunction problem was solved when I moved into my own place! And I really like it that way!
Sounds like a good plan, David! I’m actually replying to you to see what will happen if I click on the little circle with the connection to Facebook at the bottom right of this box! Never know until I try!
My husband is like that about his water glass! He doesn’t yell … he just gets another one until I finally realize there are no more glasses in the cupboard. Passive aggressive.