Grist for the Mill

I’ve been noticing how my mind is purposely looking for grist for the mill. Albeit a special kind of grist. A torturous one.

For instance, I am in the bathroom brushing my teeth. I am content. Not that brushing my teeth is my most favorite pastime, but it’s fine. I’m fine.

While nimbly moving the brush in circles, I notice how my mind is just as nimbly going through a rolodex. Figuratively speaking, of course. It is sifting through index card after index card of things that happened within the last hour. I can’t help but notice that it does that with the attitude of a boxer nervously prancing from one foot to the other, ready to place a painful punch.

Wondering what in the world my mind is doing, I pause and watch it turn to another rolodex – one that is filled with things that happened two hours ago. And after that I see it moving on to a rolodex filled with stuff from a week ago, and a month ago, and a year ago. 

Eventually, I resume brushing my teeth – completely in the dark about my mind’s intention and utterly unguarded.

Next thing I know, I am flinching. I don’t even realize why. So, I check back with my mind. And there it is, triumphantly holding an index card in its brainy hand.

“Aha!” it cackles. “Remember how you talked to your co-worker that day? Yeah, that wasn’t nice, was it?”

Immediately it dawned on me: My mind had been looking for something to rub in my face. 

It wasn’t the first time either. If unsupervised, my mind loves to come upon stuff it can use to make me feel bad. And if it can’t find anything in recent times, then it is not beneath its dignity to exhume something that has happened eons ago.

Why is my mind doing that?!? What’s the point!?! I mean, seriously! Regretting one and the same thing over and over and over again does not serve any purpose whatsoever. Frankly, when my mind is doing its rolodex-thing, it’s almost as if it is on autopilot, set to find “bad” stuff no matter what. 

I have no idea how that autopilot was engaged and if it ever performed any meaningful task. I do have a strong sense, however, that by now it is completely antiquated and of no avail.

And so I decided to add one more thing to my loooong list of New Year’s Resolutions: 

I will not leave my mind unsupervised but pay veeeery close attention to what it is doing at ALL TIMES. 

Yep. That’s the plan. I do not want to be at the mercy of something that is collecting foul grist for my precious mill. Noooooo, thank you!

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Brigitte Schneider
aka Ms. Miller

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