… in the act of malice …
Yup. Can you believe it?
I was trying to figure out what to wear the next day. It was supposed to be hot again and we wanted to go sightseeing.
My niece said: “Just wear something light, like I did today. I wasn’t sweating at all.”
I said: “I am not surprised. You were barely dressed.”
Silence.
She looked at me. I looked at her.
Then she said: “Why did you say that? That was completely unnecessary.”
At first I wanted to object. Especially when she added that what I had said came from a “bad place.” I was very reluctant to acknowledge that. I’d rather feel “justified.” After all, her dress lacked … uhm … how should I put it … 🤔… textile cover?
But did I need to bring that up? What’s more, did my words come from a loving place? (Um … no …) Had I mentioned it out of concern or care? (Not exactly …) Had I expressed it kindly? (Well, not really …)
Now I had two choices. I could entertain the idea that I had found an opportunity to criticize her. Or I could insist that there was no wrongdoing on my part. I mean, she had been dressed “inappropriately.” So, what else could I have done but tar and feather her, right?
As I weighed my options, I watched my mind swing back and forth between denial and acceptance. Justifying my action as appropriate seemed reasonable, but got me all riled up. Acknowledging it as unreasonable made me cringe. I was stuck between either condemning her for being barely dressed – or myself for attacking her. To be honest, neither one felt good.
And then something else arose. I almost disregarded it because it seemed completely off track. It was a glimmer of peacefulness. How could peacefulness arise in this troubled situation?
I followed its trail and found relief and gratitude. Now I was even more intrigued. Relief and gratitude?! What in the world would I be grateful for or relieved about!?
And there it was:
At times I have an impulse to be critical of others and assume negative intentions. I don’t like it. I’ve actually had this on my radar for quite some time and was hoping to resolve it. I never wanted others to see that trait in me. Especially not my niece. But she did. And that hurt.
So, why would I feel relief and gratitude?
Well, my niece had shone a light on something I never wanted anyone to see. And now it was out in the open. I no longer had to worry about getting caught. What a relief. And I am grateful for that.
In addition, since it’s out in the open, I don’t have to live up to any unrealistic expectations. I’m not perfect. And that’s okay. It doesn’t absolve me of responsibility for my actions. But I can cut myself some slack and my niece – or rather her dress. (Even though there wasn’t much there to cut anything from to begin with … )*
Brigitte K. Schneider
aka Ms. Maleficent
*(Yeah …🙂↕️ I just to add that there … Bad auntie …😔)
Copyright © 2022, Brigitte K. Schneider. If you wish to quote text from this article contact the author by leaving a comment.
I’ve been in that same space. Not the part about my daughter telling me to just wear something light like she did. No, but the part about judging the miniscule area of textile covering. For the most part, I’ve maintained the opinion to myself rather than be subjected to a skirmish over being chauvinistic with my observations. It’s much safer that way.
No harm in telling someone, anyone friend or family member that they are under or inappropiately dressed for a certain occasion. I’ve seen people come into my place of work (retail) looking absolutely rediculous with their choice of clothing. Just last week a young woman was walking through the store with her blouse completely unbuttoned from her midriff down. She was very pregnant and not a pretty sight., with tummy and completely ballooning out. Her companion should have told her to button up but they both walked through the store oblibious to the looks and frowns, and laughter!!!!! You did nothing wrong in pointing out to your neice that her clothing was inappropriate. Not a bad Auntie, a guiding Auntie!!!!