Rules only exist because …

While I was hiking the other day, a thought about rules popped into my head. It happened when I was about to get all worked up because AGAIN someone was ignoring MY right of way.

It is trail etiquette to give uphill hikers the right of way since it is a lot easier for downhill hikers to stop and resume – and to see what’s ahead. Of course, very few people know about this, let alone act on it. And so, whenever another hiker is scurrying downhill, while I am huffing and puffing uphill, I tense up, hoping (yet doubting) they will move aside.

Not so the other day. A downhill hiker was rushing towards me without yielding, and before any irritation could develop, a thought crossed my mind: Rules only exist so people do not have to devise an agreement. Strictly speaking, rules mimic a mutual agreement without ever having to go through the process of coming to an agreement.

That thought gave me pause. So much so that I voluntarily moved aside to let the downhill hiker pass.

Standing there on the side of the trail catching my breath, one question after another arose: Would we need rules if we were better equipped at finding agreements? Do rules actually incapacitate me to come to terms with another, which then creates the need for even more rules? What if rules rob me of my social skills and common sense? I mean, what “muscle” am I “flexing” if I spend precious time learning rule after rule instead of engaging with people and circumstances?

…

Looking back at my life, I can’t say that rules have brought me any satisfaction. They certainly did not provide me with what they promised: advice about the best way to do something, keep order, and safeguard myself and my property. In fact, with every rule came the need to bend it – and a whole armada of experts to explain and defend it.

And then there is the minor matter that it is virtually impossible for me to know each and every rule – and the ones I do know I occasionally choose to ignore. I want to think that there is a reason for that besides laziness, selfishness, or that I am a bad person. Perhaps it is in the nature of things. Or is it driven by the same reason that requires so many exceptions to the rules? Maybe there is no one rule – or as the saying goes: “The only rule is that there are no rules.”

…

As I continued my hike allowing thought after thought to arise, I had this strong sense that the process of coming to an agreement is actually more valuable than the agreement itself.

Mulling over this idea, a particular memory came to mind.

Many years ago I lived with a friend and her kids. At dinner time, we always had the same problem: The kids complained about the food. We had tried pretty much everything – from bribes to threats to ignoring their grievances.

Eventually, we decided to let the children do their own meal plan. They could pick any starch, protein and vegetable – there just had to be one of each in every meal … and they had to come to an agreement.

It totally worked. In fact after about a month, the kids renounced their right to choose. It was easier for them to live with whatever was on the plate than having to slug out meal plans with their sibling.

The agreement process strengthens the right “muscle.” It can bring us together, connect us, and help us find solutions that suit everybody’s needs. In addition, it is more likely that everyone will comply with a decision they themselves make.

On the other hand, rules have the ability to tear us apart, creating winners on one side and losers on the other; the losers are eager to change their fate, and the winners fear that their win is only short-lived. No one finds peace of mind.

I guess – at least for now – rules are not completely expendable. Like in my example, the kids couldn’t choose just any meal. It had to be composed of certain nutrients. But I wonder what would happen if once in a while – just once in a while – instead of relying on rules or resorting to them, we try to handle situations responsibly and mutually without them?

How would that look like when I am hiking? What would I do instead of stomping up the hill and being engrossed in MY RIGHT OF WAY?

To be perfectly honest, I’m not quite sure. I have a sense, though, that taking my attention away from rules and regulations will force me to focus on the moment, the other hiker, finding an agreement and (above all!) the chip that I am carrying on my shoulder.

Yup, the chip …
Come to find out what’s weighing heavy on me is not my backpack. Who would have thought!? 😂

Brigitte Schneider
aka Ms. Solomon

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