Recently, I realized how much easier it is for me to express what I don’t want instead of what I do want. For example:
I say, “Don’t forget to turn off the stove,” instead of saying, “Remember to turn off the stove.” Even though – strictly speaking – remembering is what I actually want, I end up focusing on avoiding forgetting.
When I noticed this pattern in my speech, my first thought was to find out why. But that’s like saying, “Don’t think of a pink elephant.” In other words, I would again focus my attention on what I don’t want. 🤪 So, I decided to take a different approach: Change the way I phrase my needs and wishes.
For example, if I have friends over for dinner on a chilly evening, I could offer them a blanket and say, “Here is a blanket in case you want to warm yourself up,” instead of saying, “I don’t want you to be cold.”
I mean, how hard can it be? I already talk to my dog like that – straight to the point. I say: “Sit, wait, go to your place, leave it, come here, stay,” and so on. I don’t expect him to understand what I want by telling him what I don’t want.
It seems simple to avoid speaking in negatives, yet I keep hitting a brick wall. Apparently, I’m so used to verbalizing the unwished-for that I’ve completely forgotten how to express what I desire.
Blurting out what I don’t want is second nature to me. Saying what I do want, however, is not. That’s why speaking affirmingly feels like experiencing life “through the looking-glass.” On Google this expression is defined as “a metaphor for any time the world suddenly appears unfamiliar, almost as if things were turned upside down.” That’s exactly how it feels when I try to find words for what I like instead of what I dislike.
And so, here I am, uncovering the actual messages hidden in the donuts … oops, sorry: the do-nots! 😂
Brigitte K. Schneider
aka Ms. Alice
Copyright © 2023, Brigitte K. Schneider. If you wish to quote text from this article contact the author by leaving a comment.
