I had an interesting discussion with a friend. She had called someone “pedantic” and was wondering if she had done so for egoic reasons. To answer this question, we first established what she and I meant by “egoic” and “ego” respectively.
Right off we agreed that ego is mainly about appearances. It thirsts for attention and it likes to be noticed by whatever means.
For example, when no ego is involved, a person will donate to a good cause without letting anybody know about it – not even the recipient (or the IRS 😉). There is no desire (not even remotely) for anything in return – no recognition, no thanks, no nothing.
If ego is involved, no good deed goes unnoticed. An ego driven person will make sure that the charitable contribution is known by the recipient, the neighbors, the friends, family and pretty much EVERYONE and their hairdresser. Also, the donor expects gratitude, attention, admiration (as well as tax deductions!) for their oh-so noble act.
My friend and I also agreed that ego does not always stand out as selfish, negative or aggressive. There can be a lot of ego in a humble, caring, or helpful person. That’s because the act itself is neither egoic nor non-egoic … it’s the motivation behind it, and the need for gratification and attention.
For example, voicing an opinion in itself is not egoic. However, if it is accompanied by the desire to make others wrong, then ego is involved.
Also, ego loves to compare and fight, ostracize and criticize, wallow in self-pity and cast blame. It does so because it thrives on finding fault in others. Why? Well, if we see others as flawed, then by implication we are better than them.
But what if someone else is undeniably more prosperous, likable or attractive?
No problem. Ego plays both sides, so it always comes out on top: If we succeed, our ego will ascribe it to our amaaaazing abilities. If we fail, our ego will blame it on exceptionally harsh and unfair circumstances. This will make us the most wronged person that EVER walked the face of the earth. In doing so we will still come out on top, albeit in the victim category.
Now, being in the midst of it, it was hard for my friend to see if any of the above described egoic gambits and characteristics played a role in her calling someone “pedantic.” She was unsure if her observation was colored by judgment or if it was simple discernment.
In our quest to find an answer we looked at the word “pedantic” itself. The definition of a term is usually a good indicator for the quality of one’s underlying intention. In this case it is rather negative. According to Google the word implies that someone is “showing off book learning or trivia, especially in a tiresome way.” On the receiving end it can make others feel stupid, annoyed or lectured by the so-called pedant.
In a nutshell, the vocabulary used to describe someone’s behavior can be a great give away as to whether or not a speaker’s ego is involved. Evidently, my friend did not see the display of academic knowledge as a welcome source of information. She experienced it as pedantic instead. And by calling it as such it served two purposes: it showed my friend’s true colors AND it made her feel better about herself.
It was kinda like flipping the finger when being cut off in traffic; retaliation put a bandaid over her hurt feelings, aka ego.
My friend is not alone. I’ve done it too. Once or twice. Uhh … maybe even two-and-a-half times 😉.
It seems that if I can label someone’s behavior, the pressure is off of me. It goes something like this:
I feel uncomfortable because someone did or said something. To get rid of my discomfort, I blame the other person for my reaction by JUDGING their behavior as OBJECTIONABLE. And in return I feel better about myself.
Fascinating, isn’t it?
Brigitte Schneider
aka Ms. Me, Myself and I
Copyright © 2021, Brigitte Schneider. If you wish to quote text from this article contact the author by leaving a comment.
I’m exhausted just reading this!!!🤣😂